lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
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If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Do not levitate over flowers
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
not to brag, but mine was free
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.