I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.