If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
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Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
*checks Timeline*…
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.