I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
You Might Also Like
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.