I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
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Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.