[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
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*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting