Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
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When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*