#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
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Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?