I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
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3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.