Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
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When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs