FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
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If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
happy mother’s day❤️
My teenage children choosing violence
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty