Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
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A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Note to self: I am a note
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.