One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
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[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Time for evil
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Hot hot hot 🥵