APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
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Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me