Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
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An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
*watches the world burn*
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.