Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
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I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.