[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
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If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now