Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
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*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.