Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
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bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
welp
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead