Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
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A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay