If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
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All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”