I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
You Might Also Like
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it