I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
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i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Dishonest mechanic?
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
🛁
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?