If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
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me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
ACED my prostate exam!
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.