I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
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Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Bartenders are just boneless bars