If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
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Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
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GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
welcome back
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
it was love at first sight
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.