Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
You Might Also Like
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Said the murderer.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.