”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
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if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Owl Sanctuary
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*