Knock Knock
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How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
some things should go without saying
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out