You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
You Might Also Like
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Day 2 of my diet
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.