Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
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Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.