my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
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ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
The two types of wives
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.