When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
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Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.