Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
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Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
LOL
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.