If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
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A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Twitter is the new flypaper.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up