Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
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The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????