Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
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Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance