male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
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The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read