When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
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My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
23. the denim jacket
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.