People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
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I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Twitter remains undefeated
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
the only bumper sticker ill allow
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.