NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
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Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
🤣🤣🤣
Taco Bell, Exit 22
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
me opening up to someone
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.