Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
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*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”