FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
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*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
had to make it
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.