Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
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I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change