Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
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Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit