If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
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oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I feel seen
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…