Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
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If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
🌱🌱🌱
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.