Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
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I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you