All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
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“our sushi is very fresh”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Home #decor warning.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
no their not
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service