When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
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Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
✌🏽
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
We like the way Dwight thinks
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.